Time is tickin' away...

Everything is mostly done. It's only a matter of time before the transplant happens. To be quite honest, I haven't really thought much about it. I get nervous if I think about it too much. You know, going to the hospital, getting poked, pain medicine, etc... I think it's part of my body's natural defenses to shut down thinking about that stuff.

I came upon an insight several years ago when all this medical stuff started happening to me. I would literally make myself sick, worrying about stuff. The more I thought about it, the sicker I got. My stomach couldn't handle it. I would worry myself sick.

After talking to God about it and reading the Word, I learned something. This isn't my life. I have no claim on it. That's a good thing, since all my decisions seem to end up hurting me in the end. So, I turned it over to God. It's sad that I had to be so far down in order to look up.

Every day is a gift from God. I only exist because He wills me to exist. Every heartbeat happens because He desires it to happen. I live simply because He has decided that it is so. I turned my life COMPLETELY over to God that day. I told Him that I was giving up trying to take and claim what never belonged to me. It was up to Him to do with me as He pleased.

I know cognitively that He and He alone knows what is best for me. I had known this for many years, yet I hadn't ever completely given up that desire for control of my life. This was an INCREDIBLY freeing decision. It is amazing the freedom found in releasing control of that which was never mine to begin with.

Since that day, I have been through tremendous times of pain, suffering and near death experiences. I have yet to worry about any of it. It doesn't matter in the slightest what happens to me. I know God has a plan, and I know He will do it no matter what I think about it. I will live here in the shadowlands as long as He desires me to do so. When He says it is time for me to go home, there's nothing I can do to delay it. God IS in control.

I haven't gone home yet. This means that God isn't done with me here in the shadowlands. Apparently, there's something I still have to accomplish here. Don't get me wrong. Times have been hard enough that I have often prayed for death. I longed to be clothed with my "heavenly tent" as Paul put it. But God said, "Not yet." I still have work to do. I'm not completely sure what it is that God wants me to accomplish before I get to go home. It sure would be easier if He would just tell me, and then I could do it. Perhaps not knowing forces me to show more faith in His providence.

Anyway, I tend to ramble on forever. The kidney transplant is coming up soon, and I'm not the slightest bit nervous. I really don't think about it that much. I spend more time planning on what I'll be doing AFTER the operation and my body has more energy. I'm working toward a goal that I believe God has set before me. Something that my particular make up has built me to be able to accomplish. That is what consumes my thoughts and desires. Until next time...

Grace and Peace,
-Nat