Roller Coaster

Yesterday I received a phone call from the transplant center. The call was from Clem, the receptionist, who just called to tell me that our coordinator had made an appointment for me on next Thursday (October 22nd) at 2pm to meet with Dr. Mandayam - the nephrology surgeon!! She told me the meeting was just for me, and that Nathanial was not going to be present, but she said to be sure and bring my husband. Weird, huh?

I couldn't ask too many questions because she was just relaying the message and didn't really know details. But I have a MILLION questions. Last I knew, we couldn't have our meetings with the surgeons until the last week of October. Then, for no reason at all, I have a meeting next week. And I am to bring my husband - curious.

I have these plethera (sp?) of emotions right now that I can't control at all. I go to bed and I am exhausted to the point of not even being able to keep my eyes open, but then I start thinking about things that are about to happen, and I can't get to sleep. I toss and turn all night long and dream about the surgery. I wake up and immediately google things about the surgery. Then I go to work and think about it all day long, completely ruining my focus behind the desk. I come home and search some more on google. THIS IS CONSUMING MY LIFE!

And its not because I'm nervous, I'm not nervous at all....I'm just anxious. I am ready to do it and get it all over with. I keep coming up with all these 'what if' situations....what if Nathanial's body rejects my kidney? What if I get a kidney infection in my only kidney in a couple years? What if they go in to remove my kidney and find something wrong with it and don't go through with the transplant? What if Nathanial gets sick between now and the transplant? What if, after the surgery, I get a cough and rip out my stitches with every sneeze? --these are the things that make me not sleep, and not focus, and not act like myself.

One minute I'm all giddy and I'm like "Bring it!" and then the next minute I'm thinking about the IV and my legs feel weak and my stomach gets upset. One minute I'm all excited about the thought of 6 weeks relaxing at home to recover, the next minute I'm in a panic about all the sales I'll lose out on at work. One minute I'm wondering why this process takes so long, the next minute I catch myself telling someone that its going so fast! I am a crazy person right now. Literally, a crazy person right now.

I have a plan for this next week. This week I am going to try and act more normal. I am going to quit daydreaming to the point that I don't even hear when the kids ask me a question. I'm going to quit calling my parents house three times a day for no reason. I'm going to do more around the house and quit wasting my time googling. And, by golly, I'm going to sleep!!