Stand Still

The days are dragging by as slowly as possible now that everything is up in the air. Today should have been my day three with no kidney. I should be in a lot of pain today and on a lot of drugs, feasting on hospital food and being forced to walk even though I would rather not. Instead I am still packing the kids' lunches and going to the bank all day. I'm still coming home and letting the puppies out and making dinner and running kids around. I still have this extra kidney. And Nathanial still has none.

Monday, Nat and mom came to town for a bunch of hospital tests to see what all was wrong with him and what all the doctors think they can do. Nathanial described one test as the most painful thing, next to kidney stones, that he has ever lived through. He was in so much pain when he came to our house it made me angry. He kept taking his oxycodone (sp?) and wincing everytime he tried to re-arrange his legs. He didn't sleep at all Monday night. (Although, Mace, our little black puppy, slept quite comfortably next to Nathanial in the guest room!) The next morning Nathanial was scheduled for another test, a cat scan, at a seperate hospital here in town. Conclusively, the doctors think Nathanial has pneumonia....even though he says he feels fine. They also determined his liver is enlarged and they want to find out why. While I am frustrated to not be done with the transplant right now, I am thankful that the doctors are giving Nat the attention he deserves now. Next Monday, the 23rd, the physicians have scheduled another meeting with Nathanial. They said, provided all the tests look okay, they may set a new date for a transplant at that time.

I'm not holding my breath.

In fact, I'm doing the opposite. I painted my nails again (I had all my polish removed for weeks in preparation for surgery). I started taking my Advil Sinus again for my headaches....the nephrologist told me that was hard on my kidneys. I am doing whatever I can to temp Murphy. Murphey's Law and I do this dance often. You see, when I plan and I have things ready to go.....guaranteed something will go wrong. So, when I don't plan, sure enough things happen that should have been planned for. There really is a method to my madness!

All the Lose Ends

I don't have much to blog about today, but its been a few days since the last update so I'll fill everyone in. Nathanial is headed to Wichita today (face mask and hand sanitizer in tow so as to avoid swine flu!). He is attending his final 'Advanced Transplant' class in the transplant center at St Francis. The whole family attended one of these classes last year when we first started planning. The class is EXTREMELY uncomfortable. They talk about flank incisions, and they talk about getting a tube shoved in your pee hole, and they talk about the epidural, and they talk about medications after the surgery, and they do their best to really really talk you out of going through with it if you aren't a 100% dedicated. I remember getting grossed out enough that I lost my appetite--and, FYI, it takes a lot of work to make me lose my appetite!! I remember them going over some statistics of survival rates and things like that. They also talked about the financials of the process. So, today's meeting is a follow-up to that original meeting for Nathanial.

I believe Nat also meets with the wound specialist today. For those of you that don't know, back when Nathanial went septic a few years ago, he also lost half of one of his feet. His entire foot had turned a nasty shade of green/black with oozies coming out of it and mom and dad had to make the decision (while Nathanial was still in a coma) to go ahead and remove part of his foot to save the rest. He lost both of his calves and his nose and a few fingertips, but the major thing was his foot. His foot still gives him problems to this day. He had another surgery just a few months ago to shave off a little more of the foot bone and the doctor added some shark cartlidge to help the foot heal better. Apparently, when you don't have kidney function, you don't heal well from other illnesses. For three years, Nathanials foot wouldn't heal from the original surgery. It was very painful for him. He couldn't walk very far or for very long at a time. He had to keep his foot bandaged at all times and change his dressings often. It was all very sad. Then just a few weeks before my wedding is when he had surgery to add the shark cartlidge. We were all very impressed with how quickly he was up and walking after this proceedure. Now he has special little shoes that go around his stub to make him walk better! But back to my original thought--today he follows up with the wound care doctor for his foot. They have to make sure the foot is doing alright before proceeding with the transplant.

I don't have any more tests or meetings until Thursday. Thursday I have to take the entire day off work. So far, I have managed to just take bits and pieces of my work days off for all my tests and meetings. The bank has been really good about working with me on my schedule. This Thursday puts a bit of a kink in things at work because we have several people gone, but no one has given me a hard time about not being here. Everyone at work seems to understand, and even though they don't really know Nathanial, they are all cheering for him. I know its hard on people that aren't part of the family to really wrap their mind around how important this is.

I have been scheduled a glucose tolerance test on Thursday. I guess they don't usually do this test for the donor, but because I had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant with Corynne, they want to make sure I don't have diabetic tendencies now. Then just yesterday I got a phone call telling me that I not only get to meet with the Nephrologist Thursday, but I also get to meet with the Surgeon!!!! So that is HUGE news! On my checklist of things left to do, that completely wraps me up. I am hoping we get to schedule the actual date of the transplant Thursday! We shall see....and when I find out, believe you me, I will blog about it! ~Hilary

Time is tickin' away...

Everything is mostly done. It's only a matter of time before the transplant happens. To be quite honest, I haven't really thought much about it. I get nervous if I think about it too much. You know, going to the hospital, getting poked, pain medicine, etc... I think it's part of my body's natural defenses to shut down thinking about that stuff.

I came upon an insight several years ago when all this medical stuff started happening to me. I would literally make myself sick, worrying about stuff. The more I thought about it, the sicker I got. My stomach couldn't handle it. I would worry myself sick.

After talking to God about it and reading the Word, I learned something. This isn't my life. I have no claim on it. That's a good thing, since all my decisions seem to end up hurting me in the end. So, I turned it over to God. It's sad that I had to be so far down in order to look up.

Every day is a gift from God. I only exist because He wills me to exist. Every heartbeat happens because He desires it to happen. I live simply because He has decided that it is so. I turned my life COMPLETELY over to God that day. I told Him that I was giving up trying to take and claim what never belonged to me. It was up to Him to do with me as He pleased.

I know cognitively that He and He alone knows what is best for me. I had known this for many years, yet I hadn't ever completely given up that desire for control of my life. This was an INCREDIBLY freeing decision. It is amazing the freedom found in releasing control of that which was never mine to begin with.

Since that day, I have been through tremendous times of pain, suffering and near death experiences. I have yet to worry about any of it. It doesn't matter in the slightest what happens to me. I know God has a plan, and I know He will do it no matter what I think about it. I will live here in the shadowlands as long as He desires me to do so. When He says it is time for me to go home, there's nothing I can do to delay it. God IS in control.

I haven't gone home yet. This means that God isn't done with me here in the shadowlands. Apparently, there's something I still have to accomplish here. Don't get me wrong. Times have been hard enough that I have often prayed for death. I longed to be clothed with my "heavenly tent" as Paul put it. But God said, "Not yet." I still have work to do. I'm not completely sure what it is that God wants me to accomplish before I get to go home. It sure would be easier if He would just tell me, and then I could do it. Perhaps not knowing forces me to show more faith in His providence.

Anyway, I tend to ramble on forever. The kidney transplant is coming up soon, and I'm not the slightest bit nervous. I really don't think about it that much. I spend more time planning on what I'll be doing AFTER the operation and my body has more energy. I'm working toward a goal that I believe God has set before me. Something that my particular make up has built me to be able to accomplish. That is what consumes my thoughts and desires. Until next time...

Grace and Peace,
-Nat

Get the Show on the Road

Now comes the hardest part of the whole ordeal for me........ waiting.

I'm done with the bloodwork (for the most part). I'm done with the urine collecting. I'm done with the xrays and the IV's and the radiologist and the therapist. I'm done with the social worker and the EKG. I'm done with the phone calls and the coordinating my schedule and the trips to the hospital. Now all I have to do is wait.

For those of you who don't know me very well, I'll fill you in. I'm not a very patient person. I tend to jump into things head first as quickly as possible. Dad used to have a saying - think first, then act. As often as he would tell me that, somehow I have always ALWAYS done everything in my entire life the opposite. I tend to act first and then think about it (after its too late). While I don't claim this as a very good method, I seem to have survived okay this far in life. I have gotten myself into a few messes.....I once sat our row of hedges on fire as a kid because, without thinking first, I was lighting and throwing fireworks into them. My friend and I once decided on our lunch break to go and get our hands pierced in the little fleshy part between our thumb and forefinger (not very convienant for a banker). I have had the cops call my parents in the middle of the night because I was using their vehicle, and without thinking, I parked it in a towzone while I went and partied. I once moved to Kansas City on a whim, without the financial ability to actually succeed up there, and had to move back only three months later. You get the point. I'm not proud of these things, but I'm drawing a picture here....

So yesterday as I was leaving the psychologist office, I was thinking to myself about how we could just have the surgery tomorrow if we wanted. I mean, all the tests are done. Nathanial is healthy now. WHY ARE WE WAITING?!?!?!? Lets get this show on the road already!

I get that its a process. I get that the doctors want to thoroughly go over my medical records before making the final decision. I get that Nathanial should attend one more of his 'advanced kidney recipient' classes. I get it! But at the same time....every day this is put off is another day things have a chance to go wrong. I don't want to be a debbie downer, but one can't help but think of Nathanials health. If he gets a cold, he'll be put in the hospital and it could delay things for weeks! If he gets an infection, same thing. What if I get H1N1 in the meantime!?

Here is the procession of what is left before surgery:
*my medical records have to arrive in the renal department and Dr Shields has to go over them
*Nathanial has to attend one more 'Advanced Renal Transplant' class (scheduled for October 20th)
*Mark, the coordinator, has to schedule a time that the surgeons can meet with Nathanial and I to decide on the actual date of transplant (I was told this meeting probably wouldn't take place until the last week of October-boo!)

Thats it! See how close we are now! OH man! Everybody please pray for Nathanials health between now and then pleeeeeaaaaaaase! In the meantime, I'm going to keep taking my vitamins and exercising everyday. I'm going to use the hand sanitizer and wash my hands everytime I shake someone's hand at work. I'm going to get plenty of rest and I'm going to eat my veggies. Hope that does the trick!

Processes, Processes.....

Yesterday, I had to get up a little early to start my day. Normally, I wouldn't mind so much, but yesterday was Columbus Day. A glorified holiday in the banking world. Its a day that all the bankers and post office workers get the day off, while the rest of the world works. October is the beginning of a series of these little holidays for those who work in a bank. Making this the perfect time of year to be scheduleing so many tests and trips across town to the hospital.

My appointment yesterday was two-fold. I was to turn in my second round of pee jugs (which also means bloodwork-gag!) and I was to have my visit with the social worker. After my last visit with Mark -the renal donor coordinator- he told me I was down to the last few schedulings. He told me I would meet with the social worker, then the psychologist, then Nathanial and I would meet with the surgeon and the nephrologist to schedule THE day.

I wasn't quite sure I needed to meet with a social worker. Actually, I didn't even know what the social worker's role was. Nathanial told me she was a super sweet lady and I would like her. I honestly haven't met one person that works in the renal department that I haven't liked. But, I'm getting off track now. I had to be in the renal department of the hospital by 8am. Driving there takes about 30 minutes during rush hour plus I had to consider parking and walking through the crazy parking garage and getting to the 6th floor. And anyone who knows me knows I HATE being late to anything. I decided to leave the house around 7:15 which meant the kids were on their own for getting on the bus and getting themselves out the door at the right time. That isn't too much of a big deal for them. They have had to do that several times lately due to all of my testing and appointments. On a side note, the kids haven't complained one single time. They are the best little cheerleaders! They always give me extra kisses and hugs in the morning when they know I am having a day faced with needles. And then the first thing out of their mouths when they get home that evening is always "how did the doctors go?". They are just as excited to have Nathanial better as the rest of the family.

I arrived at the hospital at 8:03 according to my car, but I always have my car clock set ten mintues fast to trick myself into always being early. Drives Geoff crazy!! By the time I got up to the renal office to meet with the social worker it was right on the dot, 8 o'clock. Beth Smith, the social worker, came out to greet me. She was a tiny little brown haired lady that imediately made me feel comfortable. She couldn't find an office for us to meet in so we wandered up and down the hall for a few minutes looking for an open space. All the while, my pee jug was splish-sploshing around in my bag. We found an open office and she told me to make myself comfortable. Basically, her job for the day was to give me a sort of interview to deterimine if I really was willing to be Nathanial's donor for all the right reasons.

She asked me questions about financial issues. She asked me questions about my kids feelings about the surgery. She asked me how Geoff felt. She asked me how long I had thought about doing this. She asked me how my employer was going to handle my leave of absense. She asked me who was my support system and who would take care of me after the transplant. She talked with me about what it was that happened to Nathanial to get him to where he is now. She asked me what I would do if it turned out that the transplant didn't work. All these questions and topics were discussed over the course of about an hour. Apparently she approved of my reasons behind why I am doing this for Nathanial, because at the end of the interview she said when the transplant team met and they asked her for her 'yay' or 'nay'on continuing with the procedure as me being the donor, she was going to give me a resounding 'yay'.

YAY! One more obsticle down!

After visiting with the social worker I was sent to the lab. The lady who works the front desk from the lab now knows me by name. 'Hi Hilary', she greeted as I walked (as slowly as I could) through the door of the lab. I sat my bag down and pulled out my pee jug to walk over and give to her. I was sick and tired of hauling that stupid jug around with me everywhere for the last 24 hours so that was at least a good thing! She had me scribble down my height and weight and what time I started and ended collection. Then I had a seat to wait for the BS. BS= blood sucker.

The idea of me getting blood drawn doesn't panic me as much as it did even a few weeks ago. I'm actually very proud of myself for how brave I was yesterday. The BS came to call me to the back room and my stomach didn't even turn like it normally does. The nurse was a very funny guy this time and cracked a lot of jokes. He was young and energetic and very different than the nurses I'm used to. As he was poking around looking for a good vein I mentioned that I was still bruised from the last time they drew blood. He told me he could use a different vein if I wanted him to, but I declined the offer and told him just to use whatever vein was going to be the easiest for him. He said back to me,'do you really mean that? I can use whatever vein is easiest for me? Because my patients tend to get a little uneasy when I tie this rubber strap around their neck." See what I mean? He was funny! ....and if he thought for a second that he was going to use a neck vein of mine to get blood out of he wasn't just funny....he was CRAZY too!!

The blood drawing went well and I was out of the hospital by 10am to go enjoy the rest of my Columbus Day holiday. My next appointment is with a psychologist tomorrow. I guess they don't want to use mentally unstable people's kidneys?? Either way, she is the last person I will see prior to actually scheduling the transplant!! My kidney is anxiously awaiting his new home!

Until next time~
Hilary

Going Green

Typically, when you hear someone say they are 'going green' it means they are going to start using earth friendly methods for everyday activities. They plan on changing their old light bulbs for energy efficient ones. They are going to ride their bike more and use their car less. And, if they aren't already, they are going to start recycling. How fitting is it then, that the kidney donor ribbon is green?

Today as I was leaving the renal transplant floor of St Francis, I noticed a cute little quilt on the wall that somebody had sewn for the department. The quilt had different sorts of green material all stitched together to make a green "donor" ribbon. It occured to me that there are probably a large number of people out there who don't know what it means when they see someone wearing a green ribbon. We all know the yellow ribbon is for our troops. And the pink ribbon is for breast cancer. And we all remember red ribbon week at school to keep kids off drugs. But I'll bet few realize that when they see a green ribbon, it is in support of kidney donation.

Yesterday at mom's, as we were all sitting around eating lunch, she pulled out her little spool of green ribbon. Mom wanted us all to make little ribbons out of the spool and safety pin them to our shirts. What a GREAT idea!! We all wore our ribbons around the rest of the day. I have to say, it gives me a kind of proud feeling to own a green ribbon. I plan to wear my little green ribbon to death over the course of the next few months. I plan to get a green ribbon t-shirt. And I plan to get a green ribbon magnet for my car. I truly plan on Going Green.

Dental Work

Today I went to visit the dentist. Apparently, after you get a kidney, they put you on medicine that "dumbs down" your immune system. Your body can't fight off disease very well, and your mouth is a good source of possible infection. So, they send you to a dentist to clean your teeth and make sure everything looks right. I had been to the dentist a little over a year ago when we first started this transplant process, but that was TOO long ago. I had to go again.

Dad had to drive me to dialysis this morning and the dentist this afternoon because I couldn't walk well. Yesterday, I stubbed one of the few toes I have left. I stubbed it good. It hurt bad. Basically, I injured the one good foot I have left at this point. I couldn't walk very far and my toe hurt really bad.

Anyway, dialysis went alright and now I was limping up the stairs to the dentists' office. As soon as I got in the door, they put me in a chair and started working. I don't mind the dentists nowadays. When I was a little kid and mom and dad made me go to the dentist, I HATED it! Nasty tasting floride. Bad background music. Uncomfortable chairs... Nowadays, with all the medical stuff I've been through, the dentist isn't intimidating at all. Actually, I find the dentist office quite relaxing. All I do is lay back and close my eyes, they do everything else.

I don't mind the sound of the drill. I don't mind the sound of them scraping my teeth. It does annoy me when they hook their sharp little, metal stick on a tooth and tug on it. That's something I would like to do myself, but letting someone else do it just doesn't feel right. I guess it's a control issue. Like a lot of tender parts of my deformed body, I trust myself to mess with it, but not someone else. Stay away from Mr. Stumpy! >:(

I wasn't at the dentists' office for long. They just scraped me and then polished me. (I felt like a car) Then it was all over. That was the last thing on my list before the transplant. If the transplant doesn't happen for a couple weeks, I've got another meeting to go to, but that's it. It feels kind of weird to be this close to a transplant. I'm not looking forward MORE time in a hospital bed, but I would love to have working kidneys. I guess it's not long now.

SUCCESS!!

I would like to start out tonight's blog by letting everyone know I am not pregnant. Yes, yes, I know I have no uterus, but apparently it was still on the agenda for one of my tests today. So now that we have that cleared up we can proceed to how the rest of the day went. I'll start at the beginning....which was early, early in the morning....around 4:30 am.

I believe I blogged last night about being proud of myself for drinking a cup of hot tea and a cup of juice right before bed. Yes, I was doing great with the consumption of fluids, just entirely too late in the evening. I woke up at 4:30 and had to pee so bad I barely made it to the rest room. I did all the right things since I was still in my 24-hour pee collection stage. Even though I could barely keep my eyes open I put the tray in the potty, and then I stumbled through the dark house to find the fridge and pour my 'specimen' into the jug. I replaced the lid and then back to bed I went. No biggie. Until 6am, when I was supposed to collect my last specimen, but couldn't because I had just went at 4:30. I know this sounds miniscule (sp?) but I was really freaking because the renal coordinator had really placed some pressure on me to do everything just right. I was supposed to collect my last pee at exactly 24 hours after my first pee. If I screwed it up, then the whole test was shot. If this was the only issue, I think I would have been okay. But there was one other issue where I temporarily forgot I was saving ALL my pee and when I stepped into my nice warm shower......well.....

Geoff and I arrived at the hospital early enough that we could grab some Starbucks before proceeding to the death chamber, I mean...the lab. He got a nice white chocolate mocha (my favorite) and I was still on the clear liquid fast so I got hot tea. Actually, that was fine for me because I may have thrown up anything I ingested at this point. Nerves were killing me. We headed to the third floor where they smiled and greeted me and asked me to pee in a cup. Apparently, the gallon jug of pee I brought with me wasn't enough. I didn't balk, I have learned not to piss of the lab workers, as they are the ones in charge of sticking needles in you. Its best to be as sweet and pleasing as possible to anyone working in the lab. They gave me my hospital arm band and then let me wait in the waiting room just long enough to really think about everything. I got out my Bible and read a little bit to kill some time. Scripture always seems to calm me. I read a verse to Geoff that I had found the day before. It had struck me as very funny. When the people were wandering around in the desert with Moses and they were griping about only having manna to eat God replied to them saying something like "oh, Ill give you more to eat. I'll give you some meat. So much meat, it comes out your nostrils! Then we'll see what you have to gripe about". That has nothing to do with the waiting room, but I really like that little part of the Bible story. And it made me temporarily forget about the fact that just around the corner was a nurse waiting to suck out my blood with a giant syringe.

Once I was called to the lab a very sweet nurse with a whole handful of blood viles asked me to have a seat. Lol. Me....have a seat....in the lab. Good one. Geoff chuckled to himself while I quickly informed her of my habitual fainting when my veins are being probed and she was kind enough to have me lay on the table. I crawled up on the flimsy table/bed/thing with the paper lining and layed down. I was feeling pretty good until the nurse mentioned that she didn't have enough room to lay all my viles because there were so many to draw... GULP!!! She had TEN, yes TEN empty viles. Trying to be cool, I mentioned I could just scoot closer to the wall the bed was up against and she could lay the viles on the bed. I scooted right over and then noticed there was blood spattered all over the wall! I looked and Geoff and made eyes at him to look at the wall and he gave me his "gross" look back with his eyes and curled his lips. Too late to bring up the blood spatters at this point because the nurse was tying that horrible piece of rubberband like thing around my arm. She wanted me to make a fist while she tapped my arm to fish for a good vein. Okay, this is the part where my legs start jumping around uncontrollably and sweat starts popping out of my forehead like an NBA player. I will skip the next few details. She got the ten viles. I did not die.

On to the 4th floor. They call this section of the hospital the Heart Center. Sounds cute doesn't it? I was very disappointed when I arrived to find it was just a boring floor like all the rest and no one had thought to paint it all cutsie with hearts and love quotes. I knew this floor would be easy and I was right. I was doing an EKG on this floor. They made me take off my shirt and lay down. The nurse put little stickers all over my chest and one on each foot (the foot thing perplexed me, but I didn't want to ask her about it because the nurse seemed a little slow.....). She hooked wires to each one of the stickers and then turned on the machine for 10 seconds. A piece of paper came out of the machine and then we pulled the stickers off and I got dressed. Easiest part of my day.

Lastly, we made the trek to the radiologist. We checked in, sat in the waiting room and watched a little Rachel Ray, and then they called me. Geoff and I got up to head down the hall and the nurse turned to him and told him he could wait in the north waiting room or the west one but he couldn't go with me. WHAT!?! This test is the whole entire reason I needed him with me!!! This was the dreaded, evil test of doom!!!! He reluctantly took my purse and my bag and kissed me good bye while the nurse told him it would only be about an hour. She guided me to a little room where she instructed me to take off my cloths except for my panties and shoes and put on one of the oh-so-sexy hospital gowns. I stripped and made a joke about wearing my panties that said "lets make mistakes" on the butt. I thought it would be funny to leave the gown open in back so people could read it. The nurse didn't think I was funny. Thank goodness I only had that nurse for one x-ray, because a nurse with no sense of humor pretty much sucks. She just did my chest x-ray that lasted only about 20 seconds.

Once the chest x-ray was over it was time for the test. THE TEST!! The test I have been dreading since Thursday when I found out about it. The test I actually was worried about a year ago when we learned about it in some kidney class we took. Oh man. The closer I got to the IVP room, the weaker my knees got. The nurse had me take a seat while she went over a few details....was I pregnant, do I smoke, yada yada yada. The whole time my legs were bouncing around and I was sweating. Right next to her little piece of paper on a clipboard, was three GIANT syringes. When I say giant, I mean, the same size as the cardboard on the inside of paper towel rolls. Yes, that big. No exaggeration. She was explaining how they would hook up the IV and then lay me on this table and inject me with these iodine syringes (pointing to the giantuous ones on the table) and take pictures of my kidneys and bladder processing...blah blah blah. I really didn't hear much after the part about the IV. When my head started rolling around she got all big-eyed and asked me if I would be alright. She told me to take some deep breaths and mentioned something about not being comfortable doing my IV and she was going to go get another nurse to help. Great...two nurses. This typically means one is going to kind of hold me down while the other sticks me. As both nurses returned my hearing shut off and my eyes started going black. I mumbled that I needed to lay down and I just kind of dropped to the floor. I didn't faint, but I needed to quickly feel the nice coldness of the radiology floor. It was so nice and cool. And as long as I was down there on the floor, no one could stick needles in my veins. I know that doesn't sound very logical now, but at the moment it seemed the only option. The nurses were very nice and I totally feel bad now. I warned them though. I warned everyone, from the receptionist, to the radiologist in the first room, to the nurse walking me down the hall. They all knew what they were getting into ahead of time! The nurses got me off the floor and moved me to the table where the x-rays would be taken. They tilted the bed so my head was down and blood would rush back to my cranium. Apparently, that was their last ditch effort to keep me conscious. A cold rag was placed on my head as they explained that they wanted me to just relax for a little while and they would call in the IV specialist team to do the insertion. Right, relax, okay sure.

Actually, I did relax. In fact I almost fell asleep because the IV specialist team took about 30 minutes to show up. The tech was awesome and she was sweet and mild. She told me she does 100 IV's a day and she's very, very good. She didn't give me a chance to balk, she just walked right over, eyeballed a vein right off and wiped it off. I was praying the entire time and I think God was actually with me right then. Because as she told me she was administering the lidocane I didn't even feel the stick. In fact, I didn't hear her pull the paper off the IV needle (which I usually pick up on), I didn't feel her poke the IV in, and I didn't even feel her tape it down. No, that's a lie. I did feel the tape further down my arm near my wrist when she taped that. Her name was Mary Lee and she was an angel. I praised her and told her I was requesting her for the surgery day!! I have never in my whole life experienced a smoother IV insertion!!! Prayer works!!

They took the pictures of my kidneys working and my bladder filling and then they let me pee. Thank goodness!! I had all that hot tea from Starbucks 4 hours earlier, PLUS the IV fluids...I had to go!! Side note: it was so nice to just pee and not worry about aiming for a tray :) They took one last picture of my empty bladder and my day was done!!! I had made it!!! I was past the hard part!!!!!

Geoff and I went up to visit Mark and go over all my results. Technology is amazing. He had all my lab and all my pictures from the dye in my kidneys and everything in just a few minutes!! He showed me my healthy little heart. He showed me my healthy little lungs. He showed me my healthy little blood test results. He showed me my healthy little kidneys. And he showed me my happy little bladder. And he told me my tests all came out great. DID YOU GET THAT? He said my tests all looked great!!!!!!!!! Stress over! Operation Kidney Transplant ready for action!!!!! I meet with a psychologist next Wednesday and I meet with a social worker next Monday. I have one more 24 hour pee test just to make sure they are both conclusive of the same results. Then we meet with the nephrologist and the surgeon and the rest will be history.

All in a days work!

Perspective

My sister, Hilary, started this blog and asked me to post stuff as well. We're getting ready to go through this transplant process for a kidney. My kidneys shut down 3 years ago and she volunteered to give me one of hers. Cool, huh? I thought so. I am so INCREDIBLY grateful to her, but you don't want to tell her that too much. It freaks her out!

Both her and I have been through lots of surgeries, so that's no worry for either of us. Shoot! I look forward to surgeries. Being an insomniac, I LOVE the knock out gas that they give you. I think that anasneeziologists (spelling) are my favorite doctors.

Hilary is freaked out by IVs. I'm not a big fan either, but I'm more used to them. Actually, I often look forward to IVs. Not the insertion process, certainly, but the results. Having an IV means instant satisfaction. If I'm dehydrated, I get water. If I'm in pain, I get pain killers. IVs, while annoying, bring the good stuff and make life so much better.

I'm excited to finally get this transplant thing done with. I'm eternally grateful that Hilary is going through all this for me. It is a very humbling process to know that someone would do this for you. I've had so much prayer and support over the last few years that I know I wouldn't have survived without it. It continues to this day. My family is amazing!

My Jugs

So........its about nine o'clock and I'm getting ready for bed soon. I have this dilema, because I don't know exactly how I'm going to hide these pee jugs at work tomorrow. As gross as this is, I have to save every last drop of pee for 24 hours starting tomorrow morning as soon as I wake up. I'm doing whats called a "creatinine test". You see, a few years ago, my little brother had several really bad things go wrong with this body which resulted in him having total kidney failure. He's been on dialysis for three years. Actually, this month is the anniversary of the hospitalization which caused his kidneys to take a permanent vacation.

Wow...three years. Three years of going to the hospital three times a week and being hooked to machines that take all of his blood out, clean it, and then return it to its rightful place.....back inside of him. Three years of multiple surgeries to remove and replace the 'plugs' that connect his veins and arteries to these machines. Three years of never getting to travel further than a days car ride from the hospital. Three years of what I can only imagine is pure misery. Of course, I don't pretend to understand what he's going through. I'm sure the things he's endured the past three years are beyond my realm of comprehension. That is why I am starting this blog.

I have completed some preliminary testing and have been determined a suitable donor for Nathanial (my brother). There are more tests to complete before we can actually schedule the transplant, but I am going to start sharing the experience through this blog starting now. I am going to post blogs, and I am going to ask him to post blogs. Together, we will document our journey throughout the kidney transplant process. I will post my perspective of things, and he will post his. And maybe, in a few years, we can go back and read this and have one of those "oh remember when" moments. Maybe other people in our same situation can read our blog and it will relieve some of their angst. Or maybe it will result in nothing more than therapy.

But back to my jugs. Because this creatinine test involves 24 hours of pee, and because I was gone most of the weekend, I have to start tomorrow morning. Which means hauling my not-so-discreet jugs to work. I think I can fit them in a bag to get them into and out of the bank. But I'm not so sure my co-workers want my bottles of urine sitting in the fridge of our break room. I will have to wrap them in some sort of larger bag....maybe a paper grocery sack that is stapled shut...before putting them in the fridge. Dilemma number two: do I tell my coworkers what is in the jugs? Or do I just let them think the fridge is a 'pee-free' zone. I mean, I don't want to gross them out, but I don't want to not tell them and have them find out either. I guess I will just cross that bridge when I get to it.

After the 24 hour pee collection process, I have a series of tests scheduled at St Francis with the lab. The renal donor coordinator (whom I love, by the way) is named Mark Blackmore. Mark has really been awesome . He says his sole job right now is making sure I'm safe. He makes sure I get all the rights tests so that if I am the donor, nothing goes wrong with me afterwards. I, for one, think that sounds like a really good idea! However, one of the tests he has scheduled for Tuesday seem like something out of one of my nightmares. There are the easy ones....the chest XRay and the bloodwork. There is the EKG and the AIDS test. There is the hepatitis test and the physical exam. But the one that gets to me is the IVP--the Xray of the kidneys, ureters and pelvis. Apparently, they are going to hook me to an IV for this test. There are only two things I am terrified of in this whole entire world. Those are: being abducted by an alien and IV's.

I am not just a little scared of Tuesdays tests, I am MORTIFIED. I will most likely pass out at least twice before they get the IV all connected right. I get nervous and I start shaking, making it very difficult for the nurse to insert the needle. Then, apparently, even my veins are nervous, because they always start rolling making it even more difficult for the nurses. Once, when I was in full blown labor, it took three nurses to hold me down to get the IV in my arm.....and then (mind you, I was in full blown labor) I fainted. I am tough in a lot of situations, but tell me you are going to shove a needle into one of my veins and I am a weinie. So, as you can conclude, I am a little less than excited for Tuesday to get here.

I will record more of my experience tomorrow. For now, I would like to leave one final thought for my first Organ Trail blog. A lot of people have remarked lately that I must be very brave. They have made comments like, "oh, you're such an angel to do this for your brother", or "what a great thing you are willing to sacrifice for Nathanial". While these comments are meant with the best intentions, it usually leaves me feeling a little weirded out. I compare it to walking past someone who is drowning. Even strangers jump into a lake to save someone who is drowning. Certainly, if it was your own sibling, one would jump in to save them! I am by no means a hero. I am by no means a brave soul. I am a sister who loves my brother and hates his suffering. I am human. And I am scared.