Dear Kidney,

We need to have a talk. I want you to know I love you very much. And I don't want to upset you in any way. But I need your help. Well, actually, Nathanial needs your help. You see, he's my little brother. And every since the very first day he came home from the hospital, I have felt kind of protective of him.

I remember as a kid, when mom and dad would tuck us into bed and we shared a bedroom. We would still whisper and talk after they went back downstairs. Sometimes we would throw a little stuffed animal back and forth in the dark. We'd laugh when it would accidentally hit one of us. We'd get rowdy and sometimes forget how loud we got when we were supposed to be sleeping. Pretty soon, the hall light would flip on and Dad would come up and yell at us for not going to sleep like we were supposed to. I would always feel bad that Nathanial got yelled at because usually I started it. Another time I remember when Nathanial kept using the word 'damn'. Mom got so mad that he wouldn't stop she finally washed his mouth out with soap! I felt awful that he had to have his mouth washed out with soap, and I immediately ran upstairs and licked the soap myself to see how much he was suffering. And one time at church, when one of the bigger kids was picking on Nathanial, I chased that little bully all over the church kicking and trying to hit him and telling him he'd better not pick on my little brother!! --and I think I scared him off.

Feelings don't change as an adult. When I see someone staring at Nathanial because his nose is gone, I feel rage surge through me and I want to go tell that person off. When I hear a curious little kid ask questions about Nat's nose, it saddens me. The only difference now is that I am an adult and I have to control myself to some extent. I can't chase people down that stare and kick and hit them. I still feel protective. Only now, I feel helpless also.

When Nathanial was hospitalized a few years ago, I felt the most helpless I ever have in my life. There was my little brother...unconscious, feeding tube in his side so he could eat, breathing tube in his neck so he could breath, blood cleaning machine hooked to his veins so he wouldn't poison himself and die. Living by machine. He was mangled looking....his lips and nose were shriveled and black/purple. As were his fingers. As were his ears and the backs of his hands. His legs from the knee down looked like a corpse that had been rotting for some time. His arms were tied to the bed so he wouldn't thrash around and yank out any tubes.

It was literally the most heartbreaking feeling in the world.

And I could do nothing to help him.

Nothing.

I have never cried harder. I have never prayed more.

So, you see, kidney, this is where you come in. Its not that I don't need you....its that he needs you more. This is the one thing that I can do for Nathanial. This is the only thing I can do for my little brother that will help him. This will extend his life for years if it all works well!

Now, you'll have to act like a big kidney and really work hard in Nathanial. But you know its for a good cause. Nathanial will take good care of you and the doctors will check on you all the time to make sure you are enjoying your new home. And I'll still come around! Heck,once you get all settled and make friends with the other organs, I'm sure you'll forget all about me.

So, kidney, please do your best to help! Please, for the whole family and for everyone that loves Nathanial, work your little kidney butt off. Clean his blood like you've always cleaned mine. Help him to be healthy like the rest of us. We're all counting on you!

Love,
Hilary